The Search

Well...I have been on the search for some time now...to find some freedom. I think like most of us, I was going day to day just exisiting. But, eventually, it wasn't enough anymore. I was avoiding past hurts, avoiding facing myself, avoiding being alone with my thoughts. Finally, it all caught up with me. Now, I've been spending the last year, trying to figure myself out.

Very few people know that I lost some very important people in my life, within the last year. First, I lost a long time mentor and friend, Bruce McCready, last May, to a short battle with pancreatic cancer. James and I would drive up after work to spend time with him. It was hard watching someone you admire and adore, deteriate so quickly. He spent over 30 years in the activity he introduced me to. I just returned to teaching this season after taking some time off. It was hard for me to be around it, because the loss of him was always at the forefront of my mind.

That November, I lost my grandmother to alzheimer's. To even write about it, brings up such feelings of sadness. She was the rock in my life for a very long time, a refuge, and cornerstone of the family. Even when she started to forget who I was, I still would visit her and swear I saw acknowledgement in her eyes. I think I was in denial for a long time. I will never forget the day she passed away. I spent a few minutes alone with her. I thanked her for everything she had done for me. I told her that she was going to be free now, and that it was ok to leave. That evening, she passed away.

She was such a huge influence on my life. She's the reason I am so passionate about vitamins and herbs. I am trying to use that influence to help people, by getting my masters in nutrition science. I try to talk to my children about the benefits of healthy eating and taking supplements, to hopefully pass down her knowledge as well. Sometimes I miss being able to call her if I'm worrying about something. Recently, I tried Reiki for the first time. It was a very interesting experience for me...I felt some release from my grief.

In March of this year, we lost James' father to pancreatic cancer. It was extremely sudden. Even though I didn't know him long...I did feel like he understood me, and encouraged our relationship. That's why we decided to get married at Limekiln Lake this past summer, where he was the head caretaker for the last few decades.

I have been trying to help James through his grief, as I work through my own. I started taking yoga 6 months ago, and that has helped me a great deal. I still have a lot of work to do, as I feel like I am just starting to see light. Tomorrow, James and I are hiking for the last time this year. We will be hiking to the top of Blue Mountain in Old Forge. At the top, we will be burying a mason jar for his dad, and one for grandma. In them, we have written letters and placed a momento. We are hoping that this symbolic ceremony, will help us close a chapter in our grief. We know that we will always grieve their loss, but we're hoping it will continue to change as time goes on.

Through everything, I think the most important thing, is that we are there for each other. On the good days, and the really really bad days. In life...what else could you ask for?

Why does everything healthy, cost so much?

It's very sad to me, that the things in this country that can keep us healthy and vibrant, seem so out of reach. Organic produce, without the harmful pesticides, and other chemicals, cost almost $1.00 more per pound than those carrying cancer causing chemicals. Why? Why does our government make it so difficult for our organic farmers, that they are forced to charge more? Seems to me it should be the other way around. Shouldn't there be a push for all farmers to go organic so that no one is exposed to these harmful things?

This is also true of gym memberships, massage therapy, etc. Our government has programs for medical care that helps when a person is ailing. What about putting the same money into prevention? So many people are not educated on how to take care of themselves (diet, exercise, etc). What about programs for stress reduction (yoga at work, etc). I know this seems like a rant but I am hearing of more and more people with cancer. Cancer is increasingly becoming the leading killer in our country. We spend millions, slash that, billions overseas for war efforts but only a few million in cancer research. We line the pockets of our healthcare system for cancer care, but what about lining the pockets of the doctors that teach prevention instead? How about we educate doctors on how to talk to their patients about nutrition and exercise? Not just teach them how to read a BMI chart. One doctor that I know told me that he only had to take one course on nutrition in medical school. That's just plain scary to me.......

Green Tea

I have heard people talk about the power of Green Tea for years. Recently, I decided to do some research on the benefits. From all the articles I've read, it looks like there is some serious research that shows that Green Tea has bountiful antioxidants. I decided to add a few cups of decaf every day.

In the morning, James and I have a cup while we're getting ready for work. We both drink a cup during the day and then have a cup or two before bed. I feel great lately. If you have time, look up some of the benefits of drinking it. You may decide to add it to your diet.

Next, I am researching the benefits of adding fish oil supplements. I will keep you posted....

Observing

Today, it interested me to observe other fellow drivers. Especially, when one almost ran me off the road while leaving work. How bazaar to honk at someone sitting at a green light, when its only been green for 2 seconds. Why in such a hurry sir? Anyway.....why not slow down and savor the few minutes not being stuck behind a desk? It's very ritualistic for me, but I enjoy slowly turning on my car, finding a good cd, adjusting the volume and rolling down the windows before I speed off into crazy traffic.

I started yoga 9 weeks ago, and ever since, I feel like my awareness of the things around me is profound. My environment is like a totally different world all together. My senses notice things that I was not aware of before. I left work the other day and just looked up at the sky. Why hadn't I done that before? It was so blue. So beautiful. I think for a very long time, I have looked down at the pavement as I walk that 6 minute path to my car. There is a whole universe out there. Wow.....where have I been? I feel like I have been a zombie...and I've just woken up.

I kind of felt sorry for that man who honked at me. He's still asleep.