The Search

Well...I have been on the search for some time now...to find some freedom. I think like most of us, I was going day to day just exisiting. But, eventually, it wasn't enough anymore. I was avoiding past hurts, avoiding facing myself, avoiding being alone with my thoughts. Finally, it all caught up with me. Now, I've been spending the last year, trying to figure myself out.

Very few people know that I lost some very important people in my life, within the last year. First, I lost a long time mentor and friend, Bruce McCready, last May, to a short battle with pancreatic cancer. James and I would drive up after work to spend time with him. It was hard watching someone you admire and adore, deteriate so quickly. He spent over 30 years in the activity he introduced me to. I just returned to teaching this season after taking some time off. It was hard for me to be around it, because the loss of him was always at the forefront of my mind.

That November, I lost my grandmother to alzheimer's. To even write about it, brings up such feelings of sadness. She was the rock in my life for a very long time, a refuge, and cornerstone of the family. Even when she started to forget who I was, I still would visit her and swear I saw acknowledgement in her eyes. I think I was in denial for a long time. I will never forget the day she passed away. I spent a few minutes alone with her. I thanked her for everything she had done for me. I told her that she was going to be free now, and that it was ok to leave. That evening, she passed away.

She was such a huge influence on my life. She's the reason I am so passionate about vitamins and herbs. I am trying to use that influence to help people, by getting my masters in nutrition science. I try to talk to my children about the benefits of healthy eating and taking supplements, to hopefully pass down her knowledge as well. Sometimes I miss being able to call her if I'm worrying about something. Recently, I tried Reiki for the first time. It was a very interesting experience for me...I felt some release from my grief.

In March of this year, we lost James' father to pancreatic cancer. It was extremely sudden. Even though I didn't know him long...I did feel like he understood me, and encouraged our relationship. That's why we decided to get married at Limekiln Lake this past summer, where he was the head caretaker for the last few decades.

I have been trying to help James through his grief, as I work through my own. I started taking yoga 6 months ago, and that has helped me a great deal. I still have a lot of work to do, as I feel like I am just starting to see light. Tomorrow, James and I are hiking for the last time this year. We will be hiking to the top of Blue Mountain in Old Forge. At the top, we will be burying a mason jar for his dad, and one for grandma. In them, we have written letters and placed a momento. We are hoping that this symbolic ceremony, will help us close a chapter in our grief. We know that we will always grieve their loss, but we're hoping it will continue to change as time goes on.

Through everything, I think the most important thing, is that we are there for each other. On the good days, and the really really bad days. In life...what else could you ask for?